Koko
by Myuu
Summary: A bit complicated, thus the rating. Relena begins to feel the pressures of being vice foreign minister. Chapter 3 is out! Sorryfor the complaining.
1. Default Chapter

Koko.........  
  
-I miss you......I love you..........I want to see you............-  
  
I stare out at the audience of delegates who I am speaking to here. None of them understand my feelings or why I chose to carry on representing peace. - Why should they need leaders for the people to follow though? I don't understand....- The people, the other peace leaders, the people sitting in this room right now, are faceless strangers, they don't know me, .............the true me deep inside. I realize I've stopped talking and look around the room without turning my head to much. I see expectant faces, who are waiting for me to continue, almost on the edge of their seats. -They trust and follow me as a leader of peace. In their minds I am wise, sincere and always knows how to save them in times of crisis. How can they place so much faith in me? I'm not as strong as they believe. Yet, I have to act stoic and unshakable, so they don't see they how weak I really am. - There is an eerie hushed silence in the room. Time seems almost frozen as no one moves in the huge dim hall. The spotlight is on me. I sigh quietly and gather the remaining energy I have to finish the last sentence of my speech. - I'm losing my enthusiasm for this. Each day it's becoming harder to keep up the effort to smile, but I need keep going! It's important for continuing to keep this peace, isn't it?-  
  
As I look out the window of the limo as Pagan drives me home, I'm not so sure. I watch the shadows of dark trees flicker past in a blur and the light from the streetlights glow, seems to flash across the glass.-No matter what goes on in peoples worlds the trees stand tall and unaffected. So I can look at them and know that life isn't as hard as it seems.- My eyebrows twitch upwards slightly in worry-But their lives are simple. Nature maintains its peace by itself, it doesn't need to be governed by someone. Perhaps that's why nature never changes. I - "Is something wrong Rerena-san?" I turn my head and notice Pagan watching me through the review mirror. I smile, though I don't feel like doing so. " No, I'm fine. Just a bit tired, that's all." He doesn't say anything, but in the next passing light I see his face in the mirror. He looks worried. -I should have been more convincing. I don't want anyone to worry about me, its not necessary.-   
  
I'm home, in the Sanq kingdom palace........but is it really my home? I don't feel comfortable here, it seems that the public and the entire world is always watching me. Just waiting.........I cannot relax, or I might make a mistake and offend them. The hall is brightly lit with a soft red carpet, and I hear the muffled thump of my footsteps as it echoes off the walls. -It reminds me of a heartbeat.........- I feel the sadness coming to the surface of my mind, and I tense up. I don't understand why I am losing control, of simple things that I could handle easily before. I look at myself from before, the Relena I used to be seems so much stronger, why can't I draw on the strength of the person who I once was? Shouldn't I be stronger than the person I am now?- " What happened?" The only answer is a soft echo. I can't stay here, I feel so tense. I'll go for a walk, I owe it to everyone to at least stay healthy.   
  
It's cold, with a slight wind blowing through the dark. There is no moon tonight, the clouds are too thick and dark to see it. The long grass rustles in small waves every so often. I walk on, with no particular direction and let my thoughts drift, which is very nice for a change. Looking up I see dark shadowy trees swaying slightly with a soft noise. -Where am I going? I didn't know this path was here......but I suppose I don't really explore much.- Gradually the path widens out and I step out into a clearing. I could just barely see the calm dark blue lake surrounded by tall trees. I walk over towards the still water and stand there, lost in the peacefulness of not thinking, and maybe lost in something else too. A name comes to my mind, along with a familiar feeling."He-" I stop as I feel an uncomfortable nervousness, someone is watching me.  
  
-Heero? That's the way I feel when you look at me, so strange.- I turn my head back and forth quickly in a panic. Then on the other side of the lake, just barely in sight, I see a dark figure disappear into the shadowy trees. All rational thoughts leave me. "H....Heero!" I call out, but I know he won't stay. - You never do heero.-  
  
I walk back along the path heading for the Sanc Kingdom, its far too quiet out here but I won't go inside........... -Why Heero? The fighting is over, so why do you still run away from me? I know you live your own life, I have no right really to ask you to stay here. But................I'm so used to being around you, I want you to come see me still. I can't stop myself.- I look up as I reach the stone wall of the Sanc Kingdom, so tall and straight, perfect. I lower my head. -I don't think I can do it, I can't lead a country........because I don't know how to be strong enough, I've lost my strength.- I frown and close my eyes as the grass rustles again with the wind. - I've let them down. Everyone who believed in me, - " It hurts." I say quietly. " Really?" I lift my head up straight quickly as I hear him. " Heero?"  
  
more to come in a few days. 


	2. chapter 2

He is standing there wearing an open jacket with his green shirt and a pair of jeans. In the dark shadows his eyes are looking at me and his hair and clothes are being pulled back and forth slightly in the weak wind. All rational thoughts forgotten, I stand there and stare. Finally thoughts enter my mind but they are irrational such as, Why did you run away earlier? Why are you here now? Why did you come back? So I say the question that sums up my feelings. "Why don't you kill me?" He stands there for a minute before answering. " I can't........I never could." I smile slightly. " That's unfortunate, I wish you would right now." I think I suprised him a little, but it is too dark to tell. "You can't die, your needed right now. "he said.   
  
I stare right at him as the wind blows again, stronger this time. " I can't fullfill those needs, Heero." He keeps staring at me and I just can't stand it anymore, I lower my head and lean against the Sanc Kingdom wall tensing up, trying to preserve what strength I have left to hold my composure. -Heero believes I'm a stronger person than him, I don't want him to see any more of my weakness, I never want him to lose faith in me.- A long time passes and the wind picks up again, I sigh, " I understand, it's alright if I'm alive. That's all that matters to you, that I will still be the Vice Foreign Minister leading everyone to peace. You came here to make sure I was still protected." Suddenly I realize what I just said, feeling the sadness of the statement hit me in a detached way, and I notice the air is getting colder.   
  
" You're right." I hear him say, " but it's more than that." I turn to look at him, completely surprised. - Maybe I'm not just a burden to him, I hope I'm not- " I can't help but smile, but only a little. " I'm glad." I say, relieved. Then immediatley I feel my slight happiness fade. " I............. I can't go on like this, the Sanq Kingdom deserves a stronger leader, as does the position of Vice Foreign Minister." I say feeling very distressed. I bow my head again and turn away, having no strength to face even him. There is a pause, than the sound of the grass rustling and I feel a warm hand on my shoulder.I feel myself smile again, -Heero is so nice sometimes.- Suddenly, I hear him begin to speak. " .................You shouldn't worry so much, no one should expect you to do everything right, take your time. You are strong Relena, you doubt yourself, but other people can see it." I lift my head and lean against the cold stone Sanc Kingdom wall.   
  
- He's right, I know he is. Heero would not lie, he would not lie just to make me feel better. He's always had a lot of faith in me, as a stronger person than him, though I have never quite understood why......... Maybe I've been to hard on myself, I always try to do my best, and that should be enough for everyone. Yes. (smile) Thank you Heero, you are my strength, you really are. I know of course that I would go on even if you weren't here but I like when you are here.- All of a sudden I feel cold damp water on my forehead. I look up to see white dots floating down slowly in the weak light hidden behind the clouds. "Oh,.......Heero it's snowing." I say with a mellow longing. I look at him but he is looking at the snow falling across the hill in the distance with his hand still softly resting on my shoulder." Yes" 


	3. 

Authors note: Thank you everyone. You made me smile when I read the new comments. Your all panicky and it's just funny.(no offense though)As I said I have the whole story done. I considered it a really good story though, and the lack of the reviews made me frustrated since it took me so long. I won't even go into that though.(sweatdrop)No I don't just write to get reviews, I write so my brain doesn't explode. I write for fun! I just like encouragement once in a while like everyone else you know? On with the fic!  
  
We stand like that, for a long time. The snow starts to pile up on the ground in the darkness, and the wind blows stronger every once in a while.- I just want to stay here, but I know I cannot. That saddens me, but I have to return to my duties tomorrow.- I sigh and shift position slightly. Heero turns to look at me taking his hand away, " You should go inside." I blink and stare at him in surprise. - Why? Because it's cold? I think it's beautiful, people pass life by without ever experiencing it because they limit themselves to always being perfectly comfortable. I will not live that way, and I cannot leave Heero alone. - I stare at him. " No, I want to stay here.............with you." I knew I let out to much of my emotion in my words, but........I did want him to hear it. I wonder what I should do, I think it is not a matter of whether Heero feels for me or not, but If he's ready to hear me expressing myself in that way.   
  
He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't leave either. I feel my feelings building inside me, making me bold, and I know I am getting carried away by it all, but.... -.......I.........I......- I move my arm outward and grasp his hand lightly. He doesn't move. I am suddenly aware of what I just did, but I don't let go. - Heero has perfect reflexes, he would have seen my movement and been able to avoid it......but he didn't.- The snow continues to fall and blow in gusts towards the ground, but yet....I'm warm inside. Heero keeps on staring forward, but I hear his voice say my name, " Relena" as if he just realized I was here, and.....I feel him intwine his fingers with mine.   
  
I want to say something, to tell him to stay with me, tell him .............everything. But I know I can't. It won't be fair to either of us. We both have responsibilities, and if I told him it wouldn't change that. I know he can't stay. Maybe someday it will be different though, I hope it will be different. "Heero?" I ask. He turns his head to the side to look at me in the darkness. "Why do you say I am stronger than you Heero?" he stares at me for a time with an unreadable expression in those deep eyes. " .....You forgive everyone who hurts you. Sincerely. If they backstab you again, you seem foolish to people, but they can't do the same in your position. You trust people that no one else trusts. You forgave me for hurting you and I won't forgive myself for all I've done. Your stronger than me because you forgave me, someone who was trying to kill you, but I can't forgive my enemies. No matter what the circumstances." 


	4. hope lives

"Thank you" I say feeling sad all of a sudden. I didn't really need to say it, but I appreciate Heero coming here and being so supportive when he has so many reasons to be sad himself. –The war will always haunt him- He stares at me once more with a concerned and slightly confused look as the snow falls relentlessly on the world....." "What's wrong?" –I'm worried about you.....- Suddenly I know what to do, what I really want to do, to pay him back for his kindness. I slip my hand out of his grip and move a step forward, my feet crunching audibly on the snow. I reach my arms up to rest crisscrossed behind his neck, leaning my head to the side and resting my cheek against his. A warmth spread through me against the cold of the snow, and I feel him grow tense. I know I surprised him, I know I broke some sort of unspoken rule between us, but.....He gradually relaxes and I smile, a real smile. I know he can feel it against his face. "Thank you Heero" I wonder if he'd ever really know how much I was indebted to him, throughout the war, and even now, he's been saving me. He relaxes in my arms finally, and rests his own awkwardly around my back, gently, in response.  
  
Days pass on. I find myself back in that familiar spacious hall with the bright spotlight shining. Talking about the future with the people listening to me. My voice, and the voices of others like me, fills the silence. So that soldiers like Heero, and civilians like me, never have to face the silence. There will always be answers to questions, ends to wars, and an unsure world to repair and give guidance to. Without guidance for the lost there is no recovery, and no hope. I needed to learn that in order to move forward. Heero has guided me, and in return I will guide him, and others, to a new future. 


End file.
